Facebook Agony Aunt

Pokers
Q. I am being poked and tickled a lot. Yesterday, a classmate I haven’t met for seven years pinched me. How do I react?
A. It would have helped if you had mentioned your gender. Having said that, such gestures are common online displays of affection and are not considered violating any norms in the book of facebook etiquettes. Go ahead old bean; throw a sheep at the one who pinched you.

Bitch Diaries
Q. My name is Rita and I am a final year B.com student. Lately my classmate Rosy had been posting all the ugly pictures of me and she never forgets to tag me in all of them. Am I being too suspicious? Please help.
A. No Sweety, you aren’t being too suspicious at all. Don’t we know how bitchy girl friends can be towards each other? I bet all your requests to remove those snaps have been shrugged away jokingly. You must not revert to posting groggy pictures of her lest both of you would end up scaring away all the suitors.
Effective communication, as always, is the key. Try and take snaps of her oversized clothes (preferably inner-wear) with size in focus. Initially allow access only to her and tag her. Next day you will find only pretty pictures of yours in her albums. In turn you must knit a scarf for her.

Mama moments
Q. I have a 2 month old kid. Is it the right time to create a facebook account for him? What pages should I join from his account? What is the optimum number of fan-pages that will have a positive long term impact on his personality? What kind of pictures can I upload through his account?
A. First of all, congratulations on your motherhood. Well done. Rest assured that all your worries regarding your kid’s FB account are ill-founded. He is going to chuck off all the internet accounts that you would have created for him before he turns twelve. And whatever fan pages you join now, he is sure to avoid each one of them. Refrain from posting nude baby pictures of him; you are only increasing the chances of dealing with a rebel teenager.

The Optimistic Testosterone
Q. A girl in my friend-list has been sending me mugs of beer on facebook. I think she wants to have sex with me. Any tips?
A. A friend of mine once asked the time from a random guy in office. Three months later, she ended up resigning and the Romeo is still unmarried.

Postmodern pets
Q. Is it ok to have an account for my cat?
A. It is perfectly legal to have FB account for your pets. There haven’t been any surveys yet that measure the effectiveness of FB on general well being of an animal. Be careful not to throw a barrel of monkeys at your pet; though you can have a bubble bath with it on a regular basis.

The spy who tagged me
Q. How can I see all the activities of a friend that she has done since June 2007? I had to click on “more” 86 times to read all her activities.
A. Facebook has nothing against voyeurs like you. They show only one page at a time to avoid loading the entire data in one go. Moreover, if you are not able to draw helpful inferences about your prey in 4-5 pages, then you are anyway doomed to fail in your endeavor.

Status Spoilers
Q. I sweat my head all day to come up with clever status messages. Many times I steal them from unknown twitter handles. However, no sooner do I update my status, a dumb-wit replies and takes away all the charm. Take this for example: “From the Club, where Diamonds are held dearer than Hearts, Spade away o Joker; such Blank souls are not on your cards.” He replied “Playing too much cards, eh?”
A. Honey, first stop trying so hard. But I do understand your dilemma. You don’t want to block him, lest you lose one guaranteed commenter. You should simply smile in reply to his comments while giving elaborate answers to other commenter. Sometime, ignore him totally. Be careful not to snub him completely. Your ultimate goal should be to make him simply “like” your status and not utter a word on your wall.

Office Hours
Q. My boss and colleagues have added.
A. Be glad for the opportunity presented to you to impress them. Use status messages suggested here.

We, the Deluded
Q. I don’t like Facebook. Please advice.
A. Unfortunately, Facebook hasn’t yet come with a functionality to dislike. You can do unlike to an already liked post. However, unlike the usual usage of the work unlike, which means that two or more things are not like each other, the FB unlike simply implies that whatever was liked earlier isn’t liked anymore; no questions asked.

–*–

You may empty your Facebook woes here and the agony aunt will try her best to soothe you.